Im back in Austin. I dont think im ready for college. So i ran that by my mom and she totally understood. Only thing is I can drop out, come to Indiana for as long as I needed and get a job. I have to decide this by the end of the week. I'd do it but I cant live with my mom. I love her to death but she and I just dont get along.

And to add to this my brother won't talk to me now. and that absolutely kills me. I think thats why im about to burst into tears. He's right. Im a fuck up. I quit everything hard except for lacrosse and life b/c i dotn want to go to hell. But I've given up on life. Yea its probably my depression speaking right now but I am sooo incredibly unhappy. Its like this unhappiness is just converting everything inside of me into a huge void..

Plus not im really feeling like a huge bitch to what we did to this girl Stepanie was i was talking about before. Its all my fault that whole night happened. Its my fault everyone's fighting and stopped being friends with her. Im really sorry guys. I should just stay out of everyones lives in the woodlands. maybe i should sotp making friends here in austin b/c ill probably fuck them up too...gawd..im such a fuck up and i dont deserves friends or be happy. I deserve to be depressed and to have all these thoughts of self hatred and pity and have my best friend be an eating disorder that consumes my life and will (hopefully) kill me.

Number 2. On my drive back to Austin (which by the way was absolutely amazing because it was dusk and the sun was setting and i was playing Incubus, Donna Barker, and Des'ree. It was the first time in a looong time Ive been at peace) but then my ass got to thinking and Im really lost and alone. Im starting back with Ana head strong full on. I am just so unhappy and fat and when I was ana I was happier. I was thin. I just got some pics developed from when I was 135 and my hips n bones were sticking out. Imagine what Id look like when i get down to my goal weight of 125. So ana/atkins starts now. See ima do atkins just till i lose 15 lbs to jump start the weight loss then revert back to ana full on. My diet pills that contain ephedra came today. Yes I probably am gonna kill myself...who cares?

Whats kind of ironic/funny is I get way more attention from guys now that Ive gained back most of the 15 lbs I dropped when I was Ana in May. I dunno.

Whoo now for the boy department. I dont like that one guy anymore. He pissed me off more then I thought he would by calling me a jackass even though he was "joking" and it totally turned me off to him. That was incosiderate and rude. I still have feelings for his friend tho lol...but my best friend likes him so Im like hell naw aint stepping on that territory. Plus the boy doesnt like me anyways...plus im in college(well maybe not for long).

I've had a lot of random hook ups this summer. I got some boooty! lol me and my friends said that a lot to each other this summer...

Anyways..those are just some of the things I thought about on my amazing 2 n a half hr drive.