Do you lay in bed at night reviewing your day through the lens of everything you ate and how you looked? Mary did. Let's travel with her through her day.

7:00 a.m., Monday. The alarm goes off. Mary wakes up and instantly checks her stomach to see if it's big or flat. She decides that it's BIG, bigger than it was yesterday. She knows immediately that she's going to have a bad day. As she showers, she touches her stomach and thighs. They all feel flabby. As she squeezes into her size 4 outfit, she looks in the mirror. "I'm so fat and ugly," she thinks, "I hate myself."

9:00 a.m. At work, Mary can't concentrate on anything but the tightness of her clothing. She drinks Diet Coke, coffee and water. After a morning of caffeine jitters, the bloating goes away but her self-consciousness does not. She wonders if everyone notices how fat she's looking. Though no one has said a word about her appearance, she's convinced that they're all making comments about her -- which makes her feel even worse. Mary's day-to-day well-being depends on what she thinks others think of her, and today she's sure it's all in the minus column.

12:00 noon The only thing that relieves Mary's misery is the growling of her stomach. If she's hungry, she's happy. She can picture how flat her stomach will look tonight and how good she'll feel. All she has to do is keep fasting. Skipping lunch, she focuses instead on what she'll eat for dinner: 3 ounces of tuna and a salad --nothing more.

5:00 p.m. Mary leaves the office. She drives home, unlocks her door, and runs straight for the kitchen. Her stomach has never felt emptier; she needs something to eat quickly, just to tide her over until she can make her salad. She opens the bread box, thinking that one piece of bread won't hurt her. But suddenly she's in a frenzy; she tears open the wrapper -- and snaps. As if in a dream, she devours the entire loaf, slathering each piece with globs of peanut butter and jelly.

5:45 p.m. When she comes to her senses, she panics. "Oh my God," she thinks, "I've got to get rid of this right away or I'll get fat." She rushes to the bathroom and vomits until she is depleted. Then she drops on her bed and says to herself "Oh God, I'm so unhappy. I swear, I'll never binge and purge again. I promise. Tomorrow, I'll be perfect."

*replace Mary with Taylor and u pretty have an insight to what my life is like..and exactly what goes on in my head. Im sick of it. Utterly sick of it. Im exhausted. I hate this. I want help. Everyday I say tomorrow will be better and it never is..im stuck in this neverending cycle. Im not gonna die b/c of an eating disorder. *sigh* i need some anti depressants. Maybe that will help. no I need God.