I need to get my life back on track. I need to start taking care of myself. Lynz and Rach were right. I don't know how to take care of myself. Im not in high school where I had my parents...im in college on my own with my parents 17 hrs away from me.

First step: stop with the eating disorder. It is fucking with my body and my mind way too much. Its all I think about...food...weight...calories. Its too much. I can't take it anymore and I dont want to take it. I thought I was happy when I was restricting..i wasnt. That was just false happiness...a result of the deadly disease. I dont have to do that to myself to lose weight. The lowest weight I had ever been was a result of healthy eating and exercise. The exercise wont be a problem since ill be playing lacrosse and two of my classes deal with fitness and exercise. Its the healthy eating. It starts tomorrow. The plan is this...900-1000 calories. I can have a snack once a week. Yea I know some of you probably think this is still ana behavior but its not. That was my normal diet. This starts tomorrow. Guys please pray for me...

Which brings me to step two: Getting back with God. I know this should be step one but my eating has become my god. Yes I admit. I worshipped ana and mia. It was my all and everything. I want and need God back in my life. Without him I am nothing. Part of step two is to cut back on the drinking and smoking pot. And cussing. I have such a horribly dirty mouth. Its starting to shock even me.

Step three: Learning to love myself. I need to compliment myself not only on my looks and body, but on all the accomplishments I have. I have a lot going for me: i'm decently intelligent, Im athletic, Im devoted, loyal, passionate...Today was the first day in over 3 years that I've wanted to live past 30. Before I had always thought I was gonna die before I turned 30 so I was like "oh who gives a crap what I do to my body." Not anymore. I also have to be honest with myself. And not run from my problems. B/c I do. I push them to the back of my mind and hide b/c thats safe for me. Not anymore.

Well I gotta go finish up with the laundry. Guys please pray for me..i need all the help I can get.