I hate eating. I am eating sooo much. Once I get healthy, Im gonna go back onto a healthy diet of eating 1000-1200 cals a day like I used to when I weighed in the 130s. My mom and I agreed that the lowest I could drop down to is 130. Depending on when I get better Ill give myself like 3 months.

I weighed myself today. I had to. I havent gained any weight thankfully.

My heart hurts so bad. It hurts when I breathe. It feels like my heart is cramping and something is squeezing the life out of it. Yea Im skinnier but I almost killed myself doing it. I can see how people die from anorexia. I was told that if I had kept this up, I would have had a heart attack in the near future. I could see it now "18 yr old star lacrosse player dies from a heart attack after suffing from anorexia nervosa". Scary.

I think Im gonna end up in the hospital. not because I didnt do what I was supposed to because I am being a good girl and eating everything im supposed to. I think I fucked my heart. My mom is gonna have my doc. check out any other possibilities to see if it wasnt ana that did this to me. No im not mad at ana, she did what she was supposed to. I just have to say bye to ana and mia forever. And say hello to weight watchers. Yes I agreed to try weight watcher so I can manage/lose my weight healthily.

I went and got a fuck load of blood drawn today. One was to check for HIV (yanno b/c of my new tattoo). The woman taking my blood didnt know this so she was all like 'how old are you' 'you going to college?'. She probably thought I was a little hussy esp. since I've looked like hell lately. God I look like a freakin zombie.

I need to go shower and let the water wash over me.